I grew up in a dysfunctional family where my parents got divorced when I was 10 years old. Their divorce was a result of a third party and it broke up my family. Since then, deep down in my heart, I made a decision to never repeat my parents’ mistakes.
While growing up, my mum would often tell me that there that there is no point in getting married as well as taking nice wedding pictures, because eventually these photos will have to be torn up at the time of divorce someday. She emphasized that all men are the same. In addition, divorce became so common among my relatives’ families. With all these broken marriages around me, I was determined to prove my mum wrong that I would find a good man and make sure that my future generations and me will break this generational curse of divorce.
During secondary school, I generally have no problems hanging out with guys as friends but I will often retreat and back off when someone starts to express further interest. I found myself disliking the guy and would start finding fault with him. Subsequently, I will play the ‘missing game’ and distance myself to the point of terminating the friendship. This pattern occurred several times.
I am not sure why I behave the way I did and wondered could I have developed a resistance towards men and commitment in relationships. I realized that I could have built up walls around my heart since young to protect myself from getting hurt. I found myself constantly reminding myself that I have to find the right man and prove my mum wrong. I would rather wait for ‘the right one’ than to simply date a guy to try things out.
I gave my life to God at the age of 19. Seeing friends around me getting attached and eventually getting married makes me want to be in a relationship too but this person that I have been waiting for all these years never showed up. I do not believe in blind dating, but at a point in life, I felt that I needed to do my part if I wanted to get attached. I cannot be sitting around the premises waiting for the promises. I eventually tried a couple of blind dating and matchmaking sessions but I could not overcome my fear of being in a committed relationship.
I got so tired and eventually surrendered to God at the beginning of 2012. I began reading the book ‘Lady in Waiting’ by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones and was encouraged by this part: “Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, whether divorced, widowed, or single and getting older every day, be assured that God has not lost your address or your file. He knows exactly where you are and what you need. Remember, God has already taken care of your greatest need – your salvation – and as Romans 8:32 reminds us, “He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will he not also with Him freely gives us all things?”
I know that I have an Abba Father in Heaven who loves me and will take care of all my needs. I started shifting my attention to focus more on my ministry. I also wanted to prepare myself while waiting, to be God’s best while waiting.
The process of waiting is a process of preparation. During a WOW31 single ladies’ meeting with Susan Dunn, she shared that if God did not call you to celibacy, then it is His plan for you to get married. I just have to wait for His timing. I committed my hopes to God and told Him that if that person comes along, for me, I will know it clearly by one sign (besides the most important of loving God and putting Him first) – that is I will not be afraid nor have to try hard to like him and I do not have to convince myself that he is the one. And more importantly, I asked God to let me sense His peace.
During a cell group meeting in February 2012, God showed me a vision of yellow blooming flowers in an open field and asked me what did I see. I answered ‘blooming’. I then went to search up on the word ‘blooming’ and this was what I got – “1. in bloom; flowering; blossoming 2. glowing, as with youthful vigor and freshness 3. flourishing; prospering.”
The words ‘flourishing’ and ‘prospering’ jumped up on me. I felt the assurance from God that 2012 will be a year where I will prosper and flourish – prosper financially and flourish in the area of relationship.
I must say that God really has His sense of humor because a month later, a fellow church friend whom I have known for almost 8 years suddenly contacted me and we went out for a meal. Surprisingly, I felt very at ease with him throughout the dinner and we were able to carry the conversations naturally. It felt very different from the previous dates I had. Deep in my heart, I was attracted to him but I wanted to make sure that it was not just a one-off thing, so I asked God to guide and lead me. God assured me and I knew in my heart that he is the one.
Today, we are approaching our 3rd month of courtship and though we are still in the phase of getting to know each other more in depth, I have this peace that surpasses all understanding and human logic and I know that by putting God in the center of our relationship, we can trust God for a good future together. Praise the Lord!